Clarity

Clarity

A conversation with a friend leads me to believe I need to clarify an earlier post.
His question: According to your blog you are still in love with your ex-wife, you can't be in love with more than one person at a time, so what gives?

First a word about blogs, and writing in general for that matter: The thing that I like about writing is that it gives you an opportunity to express and share the thoughts and feelings you have in any given moment. In case you missed it, that was the important part (in any given moment).

People are extremely complicated. Our thoughts and feelings are often confused, conflicted, chaotic, in short we are a mess! How we ever make a decision is really beyond me. It's not just people; life is tough to figure out. We change our minds every time the wind changes direction. We are constantly faced with new ideas and information and every time we are we have to reevaluate everything we know about this life we are living. Makes things tough. I often wish that things were simple, easy. Thing is that the complicated part, the conflicted part, the way we work through those difficult decisions, that's the part that defines us. Makes us who we are. Makes those that we really care for interesting to us.

Back to the part about writing. (In any given moment). Remember, that was the important part. Writing allows you to freeze time. You can take a given thought or feeling and explore it. Just set aside all the chaos and focus for one moment in time. That doesn't mean you ultimately decide that way, that you don't have other feelings or even that it's not half fantasy. But isolating the moment allows you to explore and expose yourself.

So to clarify about the earlier blog. I was married before. I met Julie when we were freshman in college. I was eighteen at the time. We dated off and on for about three years. Then on for two. Were engaged for a year and married for six. Twelve years all together. When we divorced I was thirty. That's almost half of my life that I spent with her, and to that point all of my adulthood. I'm not sure I can express the weight of this. In my mind you don't have that kind of a relationship with a person and walk away from it cleanly. You don't tell someone that you will love them for the rest of their life and then it somehow stops. In my mind it's complicated but she will always have a place in my heart. I grew up with her. She had such a significant influence on the man that I am. I don't know how you separate that out. Don't get me wrong, a lot of that was bad stuff. A lot of the things about my personality and life that I view as negatives are a result of that influence. A lot of the positives are as well. Like I said, complicated. I know that can be confusing to people who are friends with me now but I can't change it. The past is. I get to make better decisions tomorrow than I did today. By the time I'm done here I plan to get it right at least for one day.

It's funny, if Julie had died in a car accident, (thank god she's healthy and safe to the best of my knowledge) I think that people would be somehow more tolerant of those grey areas. The point of the other blog was that I was having a conversation with a friend who knew me then and knows me now. He can tell that that relationship still weighs on my heart and we were talking about it. More than that, it weighs on his heart. That's getting much more complicated and I won't attempt that topic but it's the reason he brought it up. The point that I was trying to convey is that I regret having given up on the relationship. To be clear, the relationship was really bad, I wish that the solution I had chosen was to fix it (if possible) not to quit. That may not have had any effect on the end result. You can't make someone else participate in a relationship. You absolutely can make it easier or harder for them but everyone makes there own decisions. Julie's was to quit. I just wish that I hadn't agreed. That has less to do with the relationship and more to do with the kind of man I want to be. It's not a mistake I will ever make again. You can bet your life on it.

I will always love her, but to answer the question my friend asked me it is not the same thing as being in love, currently in love, madly, wildly, passionately. What's the difference? The answer was…

I can not imagine my life without you in it. You are home for me, you are my family.
Julie was never those things, I don't really know why. I wasn't that for her either. Mostly because we were young and didn't know how to value and take care of each other I think. Regrets are common. We all have them, so what. Just do better in the next moment.

I am so incredibly flawed. Far from perfect. Doesn't change a thing. Even the most beautiful woman I know has flaws. Quite a few in fact, both physical and personal. I'm sure she could make a much longer list of them than I ever could. Funny thing is that they make her more attractive to me. Beautiful Imperfection. That is worth repeating. Beautiful Imperfection. Such an important idea in my world. Perfection is dishonest and horribly ugly.

Honesty is the most beautiful thing we have to offer to one another. Save the games for the playground. Play with one another not one another's hearts.