Dreaming of Dream Filled Sleep

Sometimes I don't sleep. Not that I don't sleep very well. Sometimes I just can't get my mind to turn off. It's strange. Not that anything in particular is bothering me or on my mind that keeps me up. Just can't shut off. I explain it to others as monkeys running through my head. Makes sense for me, doesn't have to for you.

Funny… it doesn't happen often. Ask either of the two women who have shared a bed with me for an extended period of time and they will tell you that I fall asleep faster than anyone they know. Nothing is more frustrating than listening to the person next to you sleeping while you decompress. Lightning quick I tell you. I tend to go extremely full board with my day until it's time to quit, then turn off like a switch. They let me know it pissed them off. :) ( I'm not talking about after sex, just life in general) ;)

I don't think that most people really see that. Yes I think they see I have high energy, but I think that people confuse quiet for quiet. If I'm being quiet it is because I am trying to be. I don't even know I'm doing it most of the time anymore. It really absolutely takes an effort. I like not having to try. I like the relationships where it is ok to be flawed. To run on and be silly. To make mistakes and just let go of some of the control.

Control is not so easily released. I know that for me, like I said, I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. I'm not just talking about quiet or still either but love, lust, emotions, trust. You name it.

I had a disagreement with a teacher at boarding school in ninth grade. It had to do with daily chores. It was a fairly little thing, the details aren't really important but I was right and he was wrong. For me it was about that simple fact. For him, who was right didn't really matter. What did matter was that he was in charge and because he said do, as a student I had to do. It became quite heated. Rather he became quite heated. He called my mother about a thousand miles away (literally) and asked her to talk some sense into me. She did her best but in reality she agreed with me. However she made a great point. You have to pick your battles in this life. You only have so much time and energy, do you really want to spend it fighting over things that don't really matter?

Because I said so is not a good enough reason for anything. Because that's the way it is done is an absurd answer to any question. If you don't question the little things how do you deal with the big ones?

The need to be in control may be my biggest weak point when it comes to relationships. However, the likelihood that you will be around long enough to see that is pretty slim.

You can't control another person and I have a hard time with that. As a result I just control myself. Not a very good solution I know, but it's the best one I came up with at the time. Problem is it doesn't work. Experience shows I control myself too much when I should be letting go of my heart. I don't control myself enough when I am truly hurt and allow that to be expressed through anger. The balancing act that happens here is something that I'm still trying to figure out. I think I'm better at it than I used to be. I guess I'm really not the one to ask. I plan to be better at it tomorrow than I was today.

The talk with my mother didn't help the situation. I was still right, fought the battle and was punished for refusing to do what I was told. Funny thing is, it didn't bother me a bit.

Still struggling with which battles to fight but damn… sometimes I like being right more than I like winning. Sometimes I even like being wrong, but almost every time I'll fall asleep before you. It's ok though… Some of the best things I have ever heard were told to me when the other person thought I was sleeping.